Five Years Without a Father

Last Sunday I observed the five year anniversary of my father's passing. I can vividly recall how I reacted upon receiving the hand written letter from my aunt (his sister). In spite of the fact that my parents divorced when I was two and I had not seen him in more than 10 years prior to his death, it still felt as if someone had socked me in the gut; I can remember sobbing hysterically and lamenting the reality that I would never get to search his face for my features, hear my voice in his, or experience the security that came with feeling his hand in mine. I know that my father loved me dearly. He never forgot my birthday and referred to me as his "Wild Flower." I still have all of the cards that he sent me; my favorite being one that he sent when I was 15 years old. It was a simple drawing of a father with his arm thrown around his daughter. The two peered at a list of names of distinguished African American women (including my mother; he was never disrespectful of the woman raising his children). The inside of the card read:

These are the names of famous Afro-American women. There is room for many more... even Jessica Marie Elliott. Happy Birthday, my precious. Love, Dad.

His passing caught me at a very vulnerable time. I was 18 years old, and the almagation of his death, the pressures of applying to college and keeping up with the circle of friends that I had at the time had become too much. I slipped into severe depression and even contemplated suicide a time or two. I can remember how I applied (and got accepted to) Howard University in order to be closer to him (his family resides in New York City); shortly after his death, I learned that he had moved down to Houston to be closer to my brother and I. Our hearts were in the right place, but our paths never crossed due to an unnecessary lack of communication. I never want to feel that way again. I never want to let another person slip through my fingers without them being aware of the impact that they have had on me. It is my intention to let everyone know how much I love them and need them in my life before they are no longer mine to cherish in the physical realm. I urge you to follow suit.

See ya on the other side, Pops...

PEACE