A Personal Post on Priorities.

Today I saw a baby dropped on it's head under my watch. In those few seconds, everything bothering me from the past week just didn't matter. Not the fact that I'm still not in grad school, nor the realization that I've gained 20 lbs. since being out of college. From there, the most urgent thing was assuring myself that this baby was okay. Thankfully, she was fine. But that period of time in which her wellbeing was uncertain was unsettling to say the least. It made me realize that a lot of things that I have been stressin' about are so infinitesimal in comparison to the big picture. The big picture being this: life is precious. Health is precious. Strength is precious. Praise the Lord, He has given me all of these things. So what if I don't get my master's? What if I never lose the weight? Surely, I pray that these things will come to be. But ultimately, God's Will is sovereign... intentionally and with good reason he withholds things from me. The world beats on me and yet I can still say that God is good and His love is worth having. Don't get it twisted, this isn't coming from someone who appreciates or participates in "church culture." I find the overchurched inauthentic and ineffective on several levels. But sometimes God has to shake you up a bit to get your attention, even if it's at the expense of a small child. Had she not been okay, had the baby incurred some form of damage, her life would have drastically changed at the age of six months. God has blessed me with 24 years of blessings... if something were to happen to me tomorrow, I've lived. But since, as of 3:41 pm on November 8, 2009, life is in my possession, I am choosing to entrust my volition to His Will. It's the best thing that I can do, and it makes the most sense. Time to move some things, and some people, around... yes.

PEACE

Untitled

Misunderstandings and preparations for the heart break

Are all that seem to flood my mind these days

In your absence I’ve bridged levees with art and silence and incompetent replicas

But nothing drowns out the blinding honest that your comfort lies with and in and around

Someone else

So I wait and I pray and I try

To comprehend that perhaps we’re not meant to be

And that’s when the oceans flow

A muscle accustomed to pumping sheer interest in you births a bitter acquiescence to the acknowledgement of its demise

Misdirected vows of loyalty yield solitaire diamonds and solitaire existence

A joker in love’s losing game.

PEACE,

Jess

Of Life and Tightropes: He Regresado.

Life is a balancing act. At 24 years of age, I'm finding that the way that I have perceived myself has been largely linear and deceptive. It wasn't until recently that I was forced to examine all of the different roles that I play and the extent to which I am playing them well... and have discovered that in a lot of ways, I am lacking in every area (insert sad face here). On any given day, I wear the daughter hat, the sister hat, the friend hat, the best friend hat, the employee hat, the Christian hat, the friendship mediator hat, the black woman hat, the single black woman hat, and of course my least favorite: the frustrated artist/misguided/anxious quarter-life crisis recoveree hat. In real life, I don't even like to wear hats; I think that my head is too big. But proverbially speaking, hats are all that I wear... and each one could be worn a bit more efficiently. I am, in no means, a perfectionist. I can realize that there are some things that will never live up to my standards, so I accept them at what I consider to be their highest maximum potential and let things be what they are. But are there ways that I can let my mom know on a deeper and more genuine level how much I love her? Could I call my brother more? Could I hang out with my friends more? Are there more proficient ways of keeping my friends from not speaking to one another (and moreso, finding a way to hang with both parties without seeming "two faced")? Am I doing my job in excellence? Am I purveying my race and relationship status in a way that does not show me off to be a charity case or perpetual desperator (not in the dictionary, don't look it up)? Most importantly, am I doing what I should to provide myself with more clarity in terms of what I want to be doing with my life? The ideal answer to all of these questions is "Sure, of course." But perhaps I should be asking, if I improve in all of these areas... how will it affect my wellbeing... mental, spiritual, physical, emotional, etc. I know tons of people (particularly women) who stretch themselves to the point that there is nothing left for them. Or at least they feel that nothing is left for them. Since I'm trying to get away from this whole "deep but not profound" blog thing... I guess I will let the questioning end here. The answers will come eventually.

Prayerfully. Until Wheneva,

Jess

Posthumous Crushes...

Are these OK? Maybe not... but recently I purchased a book that features five screenplays written by Langston Hughes and I think I got a brief schoolgirl crush. Not to mention that he was a looker back in the day... but, I digress.

I love you, Langston...

PEACE