I still hate talking about relationships, but I feel that for the sake of my sanity there are some things that we still need to discuss before we continue in our cycles of villifying members of the opposite sex. I'm sure that many may be aware of the "[Negroes/Witches] ain't [sic]" philosophy, but let's take a moment to consider how detrimental this mindset is to the progression of our culture as Black people. Far too often, I'm reminded of the highly presumptive fallacy that there there are no positive, single Black men. It's reverberated by everyone from my closest girlfriends to my church's Sunday school coordinator to random strangers who choose to engage me in light conversation. I'm always perplexed by this argument, and before the end of our conversations I find myself engaged in a slight debate defending our men to our sisters. Not to White men. Not to Asian men. To Black women. Some have used the argument that no one knows Black men like Black women. This may very well be true. But I feel that it is important that we realize (as Black women) the effect that this may take on the psyche of our men. Women (not necessarily feminists) typically love to gain empowerment through any viable medium available and by any means necessary. I believe that within every woman, no matter how naturally docile she may be, there is a desire to prove to not only herself but to her male counterparts that she is a fomidable force capable of independent subsistence. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. I'm that way myself. But I must ask, at whose expense? With all of the 'girl power' songs coming out as of late, I have born witness to just how agitating the words mewed in the lyrics can be to those who are trying to embody whatever it means to be a Good Man. I can recall a situation that occurred a few weeks back while riding in the car with one of my good male friends. Usually a laid back guy, I noticed how quickly my friend's demeanor switched from placid to annoyed when Beyonce's "If I Were a Boy" began to play on the radio. Scowling, he turned off the radio and muttered, "I hate that song. It's just another male bashing hit." Before I could defend B and tell him that it was just a song, I decided to take the contents of its lyrics into consideration. As it turns out, Beyonce doesn't croon about how she wishes that she were her significant other. She sings about if she were a boy.
Oh, let's talk about generalizations.
Given the fact that most dissatisfactions with Black men are highly generalized, we put those men who strive to be epitomes of success, respect and intellect in a position that forces them to constantly battle the negative stereotypes surrounding masculinity in his culture. Beyonce catchily talks about how she would treat herself if she got the privilege of being both the male and female protagonists in her own relationship. She would listen, because she knows how it hurts. She would be more compassionate to avoid the assumption that she doesn't care how it hurts. It just hurts, and (s)he(?) did it. The most prevalent generalizations attributed to the unavailablility of marriageable Black men are most often personal flaws that can be assigned to only a handful of the actual population. For example:
1. "He's lazy and unwilling to find a job." -- Personal Flaw.
2. "He's unkempt and has bad hygiene." -- Personal Flaw.
3. "He's unfaithful." -- Personal Flaw.
4. "He's disrespectful and can't complete a sentence without using profanity." -- Personal Flaw.
5. "He's uneducated." -- I hesitate to say that this is a personal flaw as I'm almost certain that political and socioeconomic factors played a role in this. You get my drift.
Nobody likes generalizations. African American history (and Latino history, and Middle Eastern history...) is riddled with generalizations that continue to serve as stereotypes that its sharers have to dispel on a daily basis. In all honesty, how much sense is there (in view of the diversity of its defendants) in claiming that ALL Blacks are lazy, stupid, dirty mongrels? It was (and continues to be) a wildly popular opinion. There is not any more sense in upholding the belief that all Black males are lazy, disrespectful and uneducated. I feel that we'd all fare better if we decided to alter our verbiage to make labeling a bit more specific (if we must do it at all).
I suppose that the reason why this whole issue upsets me to the degree that it does is because the assumption that there are no "good" Black men is an attack on all of the positive men that I have known in my lifetime. They must not know who my father was. A man who, in spite of his flaws, never let his children wonder about how much he loved them. They must not know who my brother is. A man who, in spite of being a 16-year-old high school student, managed to work three jobs to support the family when we fell on hard times. They must not know who my frat brothers are. Gentlemen in their own right who love wisdom and truth. All respectable men. If I had to offer one piece of advice on relationships, I would have to say that we have to lighten up on one another. And yes that goes both ways; brothas, respect women as the awesome wonders that they are, the vehicles through which our people pass from eternity into time. Sistas, respect your men as the backbone of a people who managed to endure innumerable years of torture, injustice and oppression. Don't settle for anything less than God's best, but recognize a king when you see one!
PEACE
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